God had been speaking to me that entire week of late September 2017, “Be real with Me”, and I didn’t know what He meant. I would find myself shrugging my shoulders carelessly, not taking heed to His Word. No matter how short of a sentence, every Word that God speaks to us must be taken seriously. So, that Wednesday, I had found out that a person close to me had lost his mother that evening, and looking back, seeds of anger and confusion were being planted into my heart. That Wednesday night, I had thought of my deceased mother’s shirt, the only clothing item I have of hers, and began to become frustrated that I had not brought it with me to Kentucky. Another seed of frustration.
Finally, that Thursday night, September 23rd at 2am, I remember so vividly: I was lying in my bed and different visions of me lashing out at faceless people about why God “took” my mother away from me began to surface. I found myself trying to push them away because I thought that it wasn’t appropriate to have those type of thoughts towards God, but they kept coming up and I finally heard, “be real with me” one last time, and I lashed out in pillow-muffled screams and cries in my dark dorm room. I sat up in my bed sobbing and screaming at God, asking why He took her away, why I could never hear her voice, why He even blessed her with me, only to take her away from me at the age of 2; I was so broken on the inside and that was just the commencement of God digging up other issues within my past: low self-esteem, anger, loneliness, and feelings of unworthiness. It was extremely uncomfortable.
I found myself empty and numb. I isolated myself from all of my friends and academic duties, not knowing it was all in God’s plan to heal and restore my heart. I had so many unanswered questions that I felt I deserved to know, so I called one of my aunts, the closest person to my mom. She couldn’t answer all of them but the last thing she left me with is letting my mom Rest In Peace, and releasing the toxic emotions and seeds that were planted in my heart from age two.
Throughout this semester, I went back to therapy per the request of friends and academic advisors who had noticed how negative and toxic my thought process was. I was then connected to a Christian therapist who pointed out to me that I was in a Season of being carried in Jesus’s arms, because I was too weak, at this point in my life, to walk behind Him.
From September to December of last year, God began to dip up every demonic weed of my past and show it to me. It was the first time I could no longer run. I would never truly deal with my past during previous semesters because I leaned upon my academic progress to make up for my brokenness. This time around, my grades were so low, and I could no longer hide or stall my healing process. I had to literally sit in my brokenness and allow God to mend my mind and heart. I had to face every problem that I never dealt with.
Hearing specific details about my mom’s life, up until her death, gave me closure and acceptance of the fact that I would rather her be in Heaven, than living her life in and out of a hospital for the rest of her life. Hearing about the moments she suffered before passing gave me the clearance to let her go, yet realize she’s always with me and inside of me. I see her in my mannerisms and I know she’s proud of who I am today.
Though I never got all of my questions answered, God, everyday, began to take my heart and mend it by sending people to encourage me by saying, “God is not intimidated by your anger. He’s God enough to handle it”. Hearing that repeatedly is what set me free from shame. Having a community of believers around me is what helped me as God brought me out of the darkness and into His marvelous light.
I wouldn’t have known Jesus as a Healer until He healed my mind and my heart this past year. I, now being a cleaner vessel, am able to pour into others with words of exhortation and am able to be a living testimony of someone God touched when they were dirty, just so He could get the glory throughout the healing process.
I pray that my testimony encourages and uplifts every person who is still grieving the lost of a loved one. From someone who’s on the other side, to sometime still going through, God has not forgotten about you. His heart breaks for you and He knows all about grieving, He grieved His Son while He was on the Cross. Please allow Him to enter into your heart. Understand that every day is a process and it’s also progress to becoming whole again.
I love you and I would love to know how I can pray for you.