I have to be honest about why I’ve been gone for three weeks..
Exactly three weeks ago, for an entire week, I was alone in my bed on a Saturday night, and because of my boredom, I allowed old feelings of loneliness and me being a “romantic” person, I gave into my flesh’s desire to go back to reading erotic and lustful “romance” stories online.
Now, this may not seem harmless to the world’s standards, which is littered with articles and reviews on the sexual movie Fifty Shades Of Grey, but for me being a child of God, I was trading in my future wife God for a taste of what felt good in that moment. Reading these stories eventually led me back to Tumblr, the platform I used to watch pornographic videos and constantly look at revealing images, which then led me back into the arms of masturbation. I knew I was in too deep, and at that point, it was already Sunday and my praise was stale. I had no passion nor zeal for praising God.. by the time that Wednesday came, I had yet another empty “worship” where every word I sung never went up to the Lord, but fell on dry ground. I felt guilty because I didn’t spend any time in my Word, and I was expected to sing about a God I had willingly ran away from.. I was enticed by sin but I didn’t know how to get out.
See the one thing about evil spirits, and in this case sexual immorality, they do not want to let you go. They want to keep tugging at your soul to keep you from running back to the presence of God. This is all a part of Satan’s plan to kill, steal, and destroy your eternity in Heaven. It’s definitely real.
After finally making up my mind the following Wednesday that I was no longer being fulfilled by the lustful passions of this world, I walked back to God. That’s right, I walked, because honestly, I didn’t feel the fire in my soul like I once did. I had diagnosed myself of spiritual amnesia because I couldn’t remember on the top of my head all the scriptures God had taught me within the last month.
Last Wednesday, the 21st, I felt so lost and empty still because I wasn’t yet filled again. I had turned away and repented of my sin, but I had yet to truly get back to spending time with my Abba. I had made up in my mind that I would arrive to corporate prayer late, purposely, so nobody would have the opportunity to hand me the mic to pray. Well, that didn’t work out so well..
I arrived around 6:18pm, and five minutes later, one of my close friends who’s also a part of the worship team, parked right.in.front.of.me.
*cue awkward wave*
As soon as I saw her, I knew it was God’s message to me, explaining that He cared more about my salvation and my relationship with Him than my comfortability. I was so confused because every time I had slipped into sin, and God rescued me, I thought I had to work my way back up to where I was before I fell off.
That’s a lie the devil wanted me to believe.
See, I thank God because in this moment He taught me a number of things: 1) compassion and grace towards myself and others who struggle/d with sexual sin of any kind; 2) we are saved by GRACE through FAITH; 3) God immediately picks up with us where WE left off, where WE left Him. We don’t have to work to get back where we once were, we already are there once we repent and turn from our wicked ways.
The third one took me some time because I had to meditate on that and allow it to sink into me.
I am saved by grace through faith. My works don’t save me. They don’t impress God. They don’t allow me to move forward. It’s my faith. It’s the goodness of God that never left from that spot in which I had the most fire, love, and passion for serving Him.
So once I finally understood that, we literally picked up where we left off, my prayer life was immediately restored, and my focus is better than it was before.
More than this being an update, I wanted to take what seems ugly and shameful and shed all of the spotlight on the goodness and grace and mercy God FREELY gives us every time we mess up. He’s always there.
You don’t have to work your way to get to Him, He’s already there. He’s always been there. He’s been waiting on you to come to the knowledge of His Presence.
If you find yourself coming back up from the dirty pits of sin, know that Your Father will immediately wash you with His Son’s blood, making you as white as snow again.
Know this and receive this:
I am redeemed.
I am restored.
I am renewed, because I am a child of God.
I am no victim- Kristene Dimarco
No Longer Slaves- Bethel Worship
Out of Hiding- Steffany Gretzinger
Your Love- William Murphy
Rest- Joseph Solomon